Mother’s Day never used to feel this way to me. It always used to be a happy day. I used to celebrate my mother with great joy and respect. She’s gone now, and this is the first time I’ve had to weather this day without her. The funny thing is, while I grieve her loss, that’s not what is making my heart sink so low.
What pains me today is that I have a daughter who has , for lack of a better word, extracted herself from my family, and no longer recognizes me as her mother. She has barely spoken to me in the last three years and when she has, it has been filled with vitriol, intolerance and disdain. I don’t really understand it. I know she has some anger issues that she directs towards me. She hasn’t given me the chance to discuss any of it with her. She carries an awful lot of disdain for me for reasons I could never tell you because I don’t know myself. Up until just a few years ago, I thought we had a really good relationship. It is only in the last few years that I find out that that is not so.
The last time I had any direct conversation with her was approximately 10 days prior to my mother’s passing during which time she accused me of some of the most horrible things. She yelled at me and screamed at me without letting me get a word in edgewise. I had to put the phone down and put it on speaker so I could hold my head together because it hurts so bad. She never even called me after my mother passed. I don’t know if I can forgive her for that. I’ll have to if I ever want her back in my life again. And I do want her back in my life again. She is, after all, my daughter.
I sent her a Mother’s Day card this year. It was rather general in nature and it said nothing of the fact that she was my daughter. It only spoke to what a good mother she is, and she is. Although, I must admit, I couldn’t testify to that fact because I’ve never met my youngest grandchild. I’m not welcome there. If it weren’t for her husband and her in laws I wouldn’t even know what he looks like. My heart breaks every time the subject comes up, so you can imagine that on this, the first mother’s day I have faced without my own mother how painful it is to be so alone without either of my bookends.
The very last time that I saw my daughter in person was 3 1/2 years ago when my mother brought the whole family together for a reunion. That weekend, on Saturday night, mom had asked my daughter’s husband, Mordechai, to do a d’Var Torah. He chose to speak about the importance of family. We had all, 31 of us, enjoyed such a wonderful time together. I know now that that has left her mind and been replaced with anger hate and intolerance of me. I actually feel sorry for her that she lives her life with that inside her. I have finally learned to let go of it so that I can spend what little time I have left on this earth enjoying the blessings that I do have. My husband, my son and daughter-in-law, my beautiful granddaughter, Amelia and the new friends that I’ve made here in Longwood are what keep me going. I only wish I could share my new happiness with my daughter and that she could share her life with me.
To all who enjoy Mother’s Day I wish you a happy one period to all who joined me in suffering I wish you peace.